Originally written: August 2010 as a Facebook Message

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ii was going to say hi to you today on facebook, then i realized that you had deleted me. i wonder what i did to warrant that?

i never asked you for a relationship, and i never acted like i was this psycho wanting your attention all the time. i never acted like i wanted to be more than what the situation was… which from all of your actions, told me you didnt want a relationship (with me, anyway). i knew you were talking or seeing other girls, which is totally fine.. people date around, i date around… it’s normal. but even after what happened, i still thought that we could be chill or friends. u never told me how u felt, whether you liked me or not, whether u wanted to be friends or not. everything you said to me, i took at face value - and assumed things were fine between us.

i saw that you tried to talk to me on AIM last sunday, and the reason why i didnt respond was because i wasnt in front of my computer. maybe u felt like u wanted to tell me something, or tell me that u werent interested in or wanted to see me nemore. i would have been fine with that. your actions confused me. some days i thought you were interested, then there were days i felt like you werent. and that night when you told me you thought i wasnt into you, i was surprised… because i was very much into you… i was thinking maybe you thought i wasnt into you again.. and that wasnt true… i like you a lot… you’re ambitious, and driven… incredibly smart and opinionated… you were funny, made me laugh… you were charming, and you had a swagger that was sexy and turned me on… and the stories you told me about studying abroad and your many escapades with your friends in med school - it was interesting and fascinated me… 

and then afterwards, when i tried to talk to you, you acted like you wanted space, so i gave you space. then you started avoiding me and not talking to me, which was fine… it just told me u didnt want to have anything to do with me… so i came to terms with just leaving u alone.

did it hurt? yeah it did… because u made me feel like i was 17 and confused again… and i cared more about this bs than i ever have with anyone in a long time… id see u online on facebook every single day, and it hurt to know that u never wanted to talk to me… not even as a friend… i felt almost worthless in a sense… i was really sad and confused, and tried hard not to show it to you b/c i knew it would just make u feel uncomfortable and distant yourself further from me…

i barely talked to you the past week, and then you deleted me from facebook… so i really dont know what i did, but whatever it was… im sorry.

-me

p.s. btw, the bit about my bra was not a ploy for me to go back to your apartment. it was an italian la perla bra… that comes in a 2 piece set and is almost 300 euros… and yes, i would like it back. if you had told me you were uncomfortable with seeing me again, i would have just sent a bike courier to pick it up.